I am miserable! My days seem to pass one by one slowly, yet all a blur. One day is just like any other, either my husband and I argue or we barely speak to each other. On the days that we barely speak to each other I feel like it is a huge respite, a time to catch my breath for the next ‘go round.’ So, why do I continue to stubbornly remain faithful to my convictions of submissive obedience?
The prophet Zechariah wrote these words of the Lord, “…but a third will be left in the land. I will bring that group through the fire and make them pure, just as gold and silver are refined and purified by fire. They will call on my name, and I will answer them. I will say, ‘These are my people,’ and they will say, ‘The Lord is our God.’” Zech 13:8-9
Am I really doing God’s will by making this choice? I believe the answer is yes. God has never promised life to be easy, in fact when it is easy I tend to forget God. I’m mindful of Him, you know, He’s ‘out there somewhere,’ but when I’m walking through the fire, He’s no longer ‘out there’ but right here beside me or even carrying me through the difficulty.
“Whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything.” James 1:2-4
Though I may not be happy and I’m really trying to be content, I can still find joy in my life knowing that what I’m going through purifies me even more and helps make me in the image of Christ. Unfortunately, I’m one of those “chronic wear-my-heart-on-my-sleeve” type of people and more often than not others do not see the joy that I feel in the Lord. I’ve heard from others that I don’t have any joy in my heart for so long and so often that maybe I should take heed. It is quite probable that I’m fooling myself into believing that I am doing God’s will. It is quite probable that I’m selfish and thinking better of myself than I should. If so, I pray that God will cleanse my heart and my mind of these impure thoughts and emotions.
Unfortunately, I tend to be negative. Much of that negativity has been learned and become a habit, but it is also a part of my make-up. I really want to be happy in my present circumstances, not so much for myself as for being a light to others around me and allowing God’s grace to flow through me. I guess more than anything else in this world, I want to touch someone’s life and show them God’s grace, mercy and unconditional love. That is such a deep desire that reaches up from the depths of my soul. I desire this, yet I screw this message up miserably. The very people I want to reach the most are the ones that I can’t simply because “they know me.” They know all of my faults and. Even Jesus commented on this: And they were deeply offended and refused to believe in him. Then Jesus told them, “A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his own family.” Matthew 13:57
I don’t feel that I did very good today in my post and I am frustrated because I’m not sure that I’m conveying exactly what I want you to understand. So I rest in the knowledge that the Lord knows all this and will provide the increase to you as He sees fit. Please comment too if something just seems strange.
Once again you laid your heart bare and made yourself vulnerable. Many women are afraid to be as open as you are but it is healing and you will benefit by your openess and revelation. People who keep it all bottled up inside suffer in other way, often physical. I believe some day you will look back and see the blessing of these heartaches because these are the things that draw you close to God. Keep inspiring us!
Where are we meeting today?
You are so deep in thinking and it amazes me how you write. And, you inspire me and really get me to thinking. It is one of the hardest things for me, to ALWAYS be submissive. Sometimes I think that how I feel is just as important, as good, or better than my husband feels. I feel we do need to be submissive, but, if it’s detrimental to my belief and how God tells us to raise our children, we really need to be in prayer about what to do. And, I believe you are doing that. Keep going and don’t give up. Whatever you decide to do, you’ll always have a place in my heart. We LOVE you. God Bless.
Thank you sisters for your uplifting comments. So often I feel all alone or that I’m horribly mistaken in my thoughts and beliefs. But your encouragement is such a sweet blessing to me. It adds to my conviction that I must perservere, if not for me than for you. Praise God that He knows what we need in the area of encouragement. I hope that someday God will bless this little piece of cyberworld and many other women will benefit from these pages. Thank you for taking the time to read and write on my blog…Thank you, thank you, thank you. May God bless each of you that reads my posts!
I ran across this website when doing a goolge search to research the purification process. I believe asked how is silver purified? God is taking purifying me. Thank you for what I read on this page so far.
Thanks Donna. I really appreciate it when people “run across” my site especially on things that I’ve written a while ago. It gives me a chance to go back and read what I’ve written and what I was thinking about then. It also reminds me and gives me a kick in the pants if I need it. So, thank you for your comment and I hope that you will find more useful things in others posts.
I too came across your site while searching the gold purification process and no surprise, I too share your faith in our loving Lord Jesus. Just wanted to tell you that you are on the right path as far as I can tell from this post. Do not be discouraged sister. You are loved.
Thanks Richard. Again, I have had the chance to re-read this post and all the comments. It does me good. Thnk you for your encouragement! Blessings
Grain of Faith, I, too, came upon this site while attempting to research the purification process of gold, as God spoke in my Spirit, however, He had another purpose in my search on this morning. I, sincerely, thank God for your post. Just this morning me and my wife had a discussion and some of the very things that you wrote of feeling, my wife has the same feelings. She’s expressed the frustrations of our relational growth. I, greatly and deeply, Love her, and I’m seeking God’s Wisdom and help on making her feel as she wants and deserves to feel, like a Lady of God Loved, whole-heartedly, of her husband, as with yourself and you deserve. I know, pray, and Trust God that from the time of your initial blog until now things are better. God Bless you, your marriage, and most importantly your walk with Him. I Love you, and again, thank you for sharing your heart.
I’ve given up and today, God is picking up the slack. This is only the first comment that I’ve moderated today, which as I’ve noted several times previously, has given me the opportunity to re-read my post and all the comments associated with it. Thank you Charles for your words of encouragement. I will continue to rely on God, though I may make mistakes along the way. God’s way is true and perfect, even if I don’t understand it.
May He bless and sustain you and your wife and unify your marriage to complete one-ness in Jesus Christ our Lord.
God has a way of speaking to us which I find remarkable. As I was preparing to share with my bible study group this Friday, I was somehow led to your website and your postings really spoke to me about my own relationship with my husband. I am at the moment struggling with some issues of sin in my husband’s life and I feel God is telling me to lay aside my pain & hurts to help him find his way back to God. I was greatly encouraged by your postings. Thank you and God bless!
Elaine,
I have found many people have been ‘led’ to my website. I know that it isn’t somehow, but God. I knew that when I started this, that God would lead people here to whatever I had written for ‘just such a moment as this.’ I praise God that He has chosen to use my writings, wanderings and musings for His Glory. Praise be to His name!
Thanks for being so personal and sharing your heart. You may be walking through the fires right now but you are walking. They are not holding you down. You are on the right path. Keep up the faith…God is using you and refining you.
I at times feel the same way about ministering in my home town. Don’t let that discourage you…we all have our weaknesses. Like you said, it is when we are going through the fire that we seek Him more. You are blessed and I was blessed by you.
Dear Grain of Faith
When I read your letter of the 15.11.07 I felt as though I had written it myself as it describes my life as it’s been for 7 years, is currently still like that, and to all intents and purposes, looks as though it will continue that way!
My ‘pain’ is that I am a committed woman of God who loves the Lord more than life, and I long to do His will in my personal life and in ministry to Him and others. However, I fail miserably when it comes to my husband but score top marks when ministering to other Proverbs 31 wives!
I find it so hard to live like this and long for it to be different – how do you really live it practically in your daily life? I would appreciate any advice I can get, as I also believe God wants me to stay where I am, but I truly dont know how.
With love & blessings
Leonie
Hi Leonie. How do you really live it practically in your daily life? That is the million-dollar-question. To be honest, things aren’t going real well now, almost 2 years after I wrote this. This post was near the beginning of my blog. I re-read it to remember what I wrote after reading your comment. Right now, my husband and I are separated, not legally, just living apart.
I literally could not live with my husband any more. It eats away at me if I let it because my convictions haven’t changed about submitting to my husband. My heart has been hardened though and I am unable to withstand his demeaning and demoralizing remarks.
Even now, however, I fully believe that God will heal my marriage, even if we end in divorce. I believe that God is bigger than any thing we can get ourselves in to and that He has infinite grace and mercy and deals with us through the administration of His love toward us. In fact, God has revealed to me that when it is absolutely clear that it is Him that has healed our relationship and fixed our marriage, only then will it be so. Right now, my husband is still trying in his own strength and I have resorted to prayer. My husband doesn’t seem to understand the principle of relying solely on the Lord. Sure, we are uspposed to do our part, but there are some situations where God is the only one able to fix them.
Then Jesus rebuked the demon in the boy, and it left him. From that moment the boy was well. Afterward the disciples asked Jesus privately, “Why couldn’t we cast out that demon?” “You don’t have enough faith,” Jesus told them. “I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it would move. Nothing would be impossible.” Matthew 17:18-20
By the same token, though my actions convict me by my beliefs, those same beliefs hold God and His law of love that Christ Jesus brought to this earth higher than my husbands understanding of God’s law. Paul talks about my husband in Romans, “You are convinced that you are a guide for the blind and a beacon light for people who are lost in darkness without God. You think you can instruct the ignorant and teach children the ways of God. For you are certain that in God’s law you have complete knowledge and truth.” Romans 2:17-20 I’m actually studying this out and will be writing on it in the near future.
I digress. I realize this doesn’t actually answer your question, “How do you really live it practically in your daily life? I had a friend once tell me and it has stuck with me all these years, “it isn’t so much the situation as it is your response to it that God is most concerned with.” I said all of the above to illustrate that even though I have these convictions, even today, I certainly haven’t been able to live them out appropriately. And though I act like a child and through my fits, I am fully convicted that once everything gets fixed in my heart and in my husband’s heart and we both repent, God will look at that rather than the rebellion on both of our parts. I am not advocating willful rebellion in order to receive His abundant grace, I am simply saying that I am assured that the sooner I get through all the muck and sinfulness in my heart regarding my marriage and my husband, the sooner I can ask God to forgive me and heal me and make my marriage glorifying to Him.
I cannot give practical advice because I have failed to live what I believe. I can only hope in Gods infinite mercy and grace. My husband doesn’t understand this and I am not His teacher, but I know that it is true, whether or not God has opened his eyes to this mystery. So, I simply live my life as well as I can trusting that God will always be with me and will always help me when I stumble and will always carry me when the going gets to difficult for me.
Thank you Leonie for your response. I don’t know if I have encouraged you with this or not. I lift you up in prayer to our Great and Merciful God who holds you in the palm of His hand.
Rejoicing in Him,
Grain of Faith
IT IS GOOD AND WONDERFUL TO KNOW THAT WHEN YOU WENT THROUGH TRIBULATIONS IS ONLY THERE TO KEEP YOU STRONG THANK YOU SISTER FOR YOUR ADVICE AND YOUR THOUGHTS. LET US ALL REMIND OURSELVES THAT WE WERE CREATED FOR A PURPOSE. WE ARE MADE TO BE CONQUERER THE SIZE OF OUR PROBLEMS DOES FIT US ,IT MEANS WE ARE BIG LOOK WERE YOU COME FROM HOW MANY OBSTACLE HAVE WE PAST HUNDREDS AND LOADS OF OBSTACLE. HOW CAN YOU GIVE UP NOW YOU HAVE COME TO FAR AND GOD HAS BEEN WITH YOU ALL THE TIME HE LIVES WITHIN YOU AND IN YOU.
WE HAVE A RACE TO BE WON LET US PRESS ON. WE WON THE FACE RACE TO OUTRUN MILLIONS OF SPERMS , HOW CAN WE NOT WIN IN LIFE. GOD SAYS DO NOT WORRY ABOUT YOUR LIFE IS IT NOT LIFE GREATER THAN ALL YOUR PROBLEMS..
Hello Bonginkosi, thanks for your thoughtful and inspiring words. You are absolutely right. I’m not able to write everyday, like I used to, but I still do from time to time so stop by and leave comments and uplift us with your words of life! Blessings my friend.