Hear us, O God, for we are being mocked. Nehemiah 4:4

Sanballat was very angry when he learned that we were rebuilding the wall. He flew into a rage and mocked the Jews, saying in front of his friends and the Samarian army officers, “What does this bunch of poor, feeble Jews think they’re doing? Do they think they can build the wall in a single day by just offering a few sacrifices? Do they actually think they can make something of stones from a rubbish heap—and charred ones at that?”

Tobiah the Ammonite, who was standing beside him, remarked, “That stone wall would collapse if even a fox walked along the top of it!”

Then I prayed, “Hear us, our God, for we are being mocked. May their scoffing fall back on their own heads, and may they themselves become captives in a foreign land!  Do not ignore their guilt. Do not blot out their sins, for they have provoked you to anger here in front of the builders.”

At last the wall was completed to half its height around the entire city, for the people had worked with enthusiasm.

But when Sanballat and Tobiah and the Arabs, Ammonites, and Ashdodites heard that the work was going ahead and that the gaps in the wall of Jerusalem were being repaired, they were furious.  They all made plans to come and fight against Jerusalem and throw us into confusion.  But we prayed to our God and guarded the city day and night to protect ourselves.

Then the people of Judah began to complain, “The workers are getting tired, and there is so much rubble to be moved. We will never be able to build the wall by ourselves.”

Meanwhile, our enemies were saying, “Before they know what’s happening, we will swoop down on them and kill them and end their work.”

The Jews who lived near the enemy came and told us again and again, “They will come from all directions and attack us!”  So I placed armed guards behind the lowest parts of the wall in the exposed areas. I stationed the people to stand guard by families, armed with swords, spears, and bows.

Then as I looked over the situation, I called together the nobles and the rest of the people and said to them, “Don’t be afraid of the enemy! Remember the Lord, who is great and glorious, and fight for your brothers, your sons, your daughters, your wives, and your homes!”

When our enemies heard that we knew of their plans and that God had frustrated them, we all returned to our work on the wall.  But from then on, only half my men worked while the other half stood guard with spears, shields, bows, and coats of mail. The leaders stationed themselves behind the people of Judah who were building the wall. The laborers carried on their work with one hand supporting their load and one hand holding a weapon.  All the builders had a sword belted to their side. The trumpeter stayed with me to sound the alarm.

Then I explained to the nobles and officials and all the people, “The work is very spread out, and we are widely separated from each other along the wall.  When you hear the blast of the trumpet, rush to wherever it is sounding. Then our God will fight for us!”

We worked early and late, from sunrise to sunset. And half the men were always on guard.  I also told everyone living outside the walls to stay in Jerusalem. That way they and their servants could help with guard duty at night and work during the day.  During this time, none of us—not I, nor my relatives, nor my servants, nor the guards who were with me—ever took off our clothes. We carried our weapons with us at all times, even when we went for water.  Nehemiah 4

Good day to you!  Wow! It’s been such a long time.  I’m going to have to work at sitting down and writing everyday again like I used to.  It takes a lot of discipline and right now, I’m still fairly lethargic about most things.  Motivation…that’s what I need!

There is so much to write about and tell you, but I suppose I’ll simply go about it my customary way and write about whatever I turn to in my bible.  Today I turned to Nehemiah.  I’ve been having and extremely hard time this past week and a half with hurt feelings simmering into anger towards my husband.  I’m simply tired of everything.  I don’t want to go into the details because I fear I’ll simply end up complaining.  Instead, I want to talk about this scripture.  God likes to hit me over the head sometimes and He’s been doing it repeatedly for the past several days.  Not that He desires to hurt me, just trying to get my attention.  Picture a huge cartoon hammer coming down squarely on the top of my head and that is what goes through my mind when I think about it…

There is so much going on here in Nehemiah chapter 4…wherever should I start.  As in times past, let me first type in the notes from my study bible (remember I use Life Application Study Bible, New Living Translation, I think it was copyrighted about 1996) and I’ll respond as I feel led, or I’ll wait until the end to add my two cents.

Note on verses 1-5

Ridicule can cut deeply, causing discouragement and despair.  Sanballet and Tobiah used ridicule to try to dissuade the Jews from building the wall.  Instead of trading insults, however, Nehemiah prayed, and the work continued.  When you are mocked for your faith or criticized for doing what you know is right, refuse to respond in the same way or to become discouraged.  Tell God how you feel and remember his promise to be with you.  This will give you encouragement and strength to carry on.

My husband doesn’t like me.  Now, that is my assessment not his words so don’t think he is out right a despicable person, all in all, he is a good man.  However, over the years that I’ve been with him, he has seemed to always find something to take issue with regarding me, my personality, my past, my lifestyle, you name it, at sometime or another, he has or will take issue with it.  At one time it was the way I dressed, not the pattern or cut of the dress, but the pattern that was on my dresses.  He didn’t like my hairstyle, he didn’t like my shoes and the way I talk and the list goes on and on.  At one point or another, there is always some issue.  Each time he takes up an issue, he puts me down in some way or calls me names.  I don’t think even he realizes what he is actually doing, though I’ve many times fought back simply because I was put on the defensive. 

Well, this time, I’ve had enough.  I’m tired of never being good enough for him.  I’m tired of always being looked down upon by him.  I simply don’t care anymore.  I know what the scriptures say, I know that God hates divorce.  So, left to my own devices, I’d ‘disengage’ from this marriage and let it spiral into destruction.  However, remember the big cartoon hammer bouncing off of my head that God has been using to get my attention? … Well, I won’t do what I feel like doing because of it.  However, I know that I simply can’t withstand constant ridicule about this, that or the other from my husband, so I’ve left it in God’s hands.  He knows that I am no longer able to pick myself up by my bootstraps and carry on.  He is going to have to pick me up and carry me in order for this marriage to succeed.  I no longer care to even try, even though scriptures say that I must.

I have been very stubborn this past week, reveling in my hurt, discouragement and despair that came from my husbands nearly week long slamming and putting down of me and where I came from and have not read the word or prayed wholeheartedly.  Though, I never gave up on God, I gave up on me and my husband and my marriage.  I told God that if He was interested, He could fix my marriage, but I wasn’t interested any more.  I suppose God is interested, which means that I will probably continue to have an uphill battle on my hands for quite some time, considering God doesn’t fix things in my time but His.  So, please pray for me that I continue to look to God and not my present surroundings, that I honor Him and not give in to my fleshly desires and give up.  God will receive the glory!

Note on verses 4, 5

Nehemiah is not praying for revenge but for God’s justice to be carried out.  His prayer is similar to many of David’s.

Note on verse 6

The work of rebuilding the wall progressed well because the people had set their hearts and minds on accomplishing the task.  They did not lose faith or give up, but they persevered in the work.  If God has called you to a task, determine to complete it, even if you face opposition or discouragement.  The rewards of work well done will be worth the effort.

I feel very discouraged regarding many things in life now-a-days, and it all revolves around my husband.  He doesn’t lift or build me up very often and when he does it is because I have said something, which by the very nature of it, it doesn’t seem authentic.  I feel caged now that I will be a stay-at-home mom.  (Hopefully, my boss will work with me to be part time.)  I feel disheartened about the future and any future prospects, including my ministry here and my vision for my business.  I feel let down and left out about nearly all aspects of life.  My husband, as I told him a few days ago, can’t see past his nose.  Basically, I’m struggling with getting and keeping my heart and mind set on the tasks at hand, being a mom, a wife and an instrument of God, ready for any work that He has carved out for me to do.  And believe me, on my own, it is hard work, but if I can keep my priorities straight, it should be a breeze. 

That reminds me of a church sign that I saw last week that said, “Nothing is easy for the unwilling.”  So, that begs the question, ‘how unwilling am I and have I been?’  It would seem that I’m being fairly unwilling.  But that also makes me think about this, God never promised that being His servant would be easy either.  So, whether I’m unwilling or just enduring trials is up for grabs…  What do you think?

Note on verse 9

Nehemiah constantly combined prayer with preparation and planning.  His people trusted God and at the same time kept vigilant watch over what had been entrusted to them.  Too often we pray without looking for what God wants us to do.  We show God we are serious when we combine prayer with thought, preparation, and effort.

I get disheartened because I always try to plan and prepare and pray, yet it seems that my preparation and plans always seems to be cast aside for some reason or another.  This to is a test to my faith, I know, but it adds to my continual frustration of my circumstance.  How much testing must one endure.  It isn’t even that, as I sink lower and lower into a disheartened state of mind, it becomes easier for the devil to wreak havoc on me, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  I start thinking about all my past failures, all my wrong choices and anything that ultimately resulted in chaos, despair or destruction in my life and these thoughts add to my disheartened and despairing mental state. 

That is right where the devil wants me to be and exactly where I should never wish to go.  Only by prayer can I be saved from my own destructive downward spiral of these thoughts and emotions that I ALLOW the devil to plant in my heart and mind.  I can only say that he is there, working against me, but it is me that allows him the access.  I am at fault in this and must remember to always re-focus on Jesus and what He did for me on the cross.  I must remember that God loves me, no matter what.  I must remember what my daughter’s name means, ‘God has cared,’ even when it feels like He is far from me and has never cared.  It is this despairing mental state that keeps me from God, and only I, myself can rectify this situation.  God made me for a purpose, just because I may not have figured it out or am hard-headed about how I should go about living God’s way doesn’t negate that God made me for a purpose.  And if that purpose is simply to have and raise children, then I need to re-align myself correctly with God and why I am here.  I shouldn’t wish to be something I’m not designed to be.  All this means that if I need to realign myself to God’s purpose for my life, then I need to examine myself yet again and daily even to make sure that I haven’t strayed in a big way from God, or if I have strayed, I need to get back in alignment with Him and His purpose for me.  It’s that simple. 

Sorry for the tangent there…shall we go on? 

Note on verses 10-14

Accomplishing any large task is tiring.  There are always pressures that foster discouragement – the task seems impossible, it can never be finished, or too many factors are working against us.  The only cure for fatigue and discouragement is focusing on God’s purposes.  Nehemiah reminded the workers of their calling, their goal, and God’s protection.  If you are overwhelmed by an assignment, tired and discouraged, remember God’s purpose for your life and his special purpose for the project.

Even if I don’t completely understand or have the over-arching plan that God has in store for me, if I live day by day and yes, even minute by minute, with God, then I don’t need to know all the details.  I simply must believe that God has a purpose for my life and that He has a special purpose for whatever project, albeit my husband, my marriage, my children or you.  If I cling to that belief and have faith that He will see me through, then it shouldn’t matter that I’m walking around blind because I know that God can see and He knows the way and He is the light for my feet.  Knowing this, I also know that His light only shines enough for me to see take one step at a time.  (I have written about this if you care to read that too … “A lamp to guide my feet.” Psalm 119:105)

Well, it is getting difficult to continue writing today, my daughter is crawling all over me and I need to pay attention to her.  I hope you are able to get something out of my musings and hopefully, this is the beginning of daily writing.

Search me, O God, and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts.  Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.  Psalm 139:23-24  I give my body to You because of all You have done for me.  Let my body be a living and holy sacrifice – the kind you will find acceptable.  This is truly the way to worship You.  I won’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but I will let You transform me into a new person by changing the way I think.  Then I will learn to know Your will for me, which is good and pleasing and perfect.  Romans 12:1-2  Amen.

May God provide the increase