Posts Tagged ‘tired of life’

O God, you are my God;
    I earnestly search for you.
My soul thirsts for you;
    my whole body longs for you
in this parched and weary land
    where there is no water.
I have seen you in your sanctuary
    and gazed upon your power and glory.
Your unfailing love is better than life itself;
    how I praise you!
I will praise you as long as I live,
    lifting up my hands to you in prayer.
You satisfy me more than the richest feast.
    I will praise you with songs of joy.

I lie awake thinking of you,
    meditating on you through the night.
Because you are my helper,
    I sing for joy in the shadow of your wings.
I cling to you;
    your strong right hand holds me securely.

But those plotting to destroy me will come to ruin.
    They will go down into the depths of the earth.
They will die by the sword
    and become the food of jackals.
But the king will rejoice in God.
    All who trust in him will praise him,
    while liars will be silenced. 
Psalm 63

I really don’t have much to say today.  I’ve rifled through my Bible several times and nothing really stands out above another scripture for me today.  That is a little disheartening, but that is life.  I decided on this scripture because of where I am in my life.  Nothing really matters, I only want God.  I want Him close by, I want to be inundated with His presence.  Ever breath I take I want to infuse myself with His Spirit.  I can’t get enough of Him, and yet, I feel He is so far away.  I am parched for Him and nothing will satisfy me but Him.  I know that God has not abandoned me, just that I no longer feel His comforting presence.  I realize that if it were not for His comforting presence, even when I don’t feel Him, I would truly be in dire straights…this is all just a matter of perception and my perception is skewed.

I’ll type one note for today…

Note on verses 1-5

Hiding from his enemies in the barren wilderness of Judah, David was intensely lonely.  He longed for a friend he could trust to ease his loneliness.  No wonder he cried out, “O God, . . . my soul thirsts for you . . . in this parched and weary land.”  If you are lonely or thirsty for something lasting in your life, remember David’s prayer.  God alone can satisfy our deepest longings!

I’m in a time of my life where I can only cling to the Lord.  I thirst for Him, pant for Him like a deer pants for water.  Generally things are on the upswing, but I have my days, like today.  There is nothing that I can pin-point that has triggered these dismal feelings, just that I have them.  And so, I long for God, His nearness, His wisdom, His guidance, His comfort.  I just don’t want to do anything else, just be with Him, talk to Him, share with Him.  Sometimes, like today, I carry on a one sided conversation with Him just to feel close to Him.  And because I know that He is there and that He is listening to me, I can take comfort in that.  I may not feel Him, but my comfort lies in knowing He is near.

I went to sleep last night asking the Lord what is it about me that is cloaking His presence from me.  God, in perfection, is not the problem, but me in my imperfections.  So, it is a fair assessment that I have placed the block between us.  I can accept that and I simply ask and wait patiently for God to remove that block or show me what I’m doing or holding on to that prevents Him from filling me with His radiant presence. 

Oh how I long for the feeling of His presence.  I kind of want to just stop living until I re-aquire His presence.  I want to press pause on my life and run off to be by myself until I can feel Him next to me again.  I don’t want to take another step, I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want to live one more second until all things are made right in me by basking in His presence. 

That’s what I want, but that isn’t how it works.  Instead, I’ll continue to live each day, each moment, each second as if He I can feel His presence because I know that He is present.  With each step, with each second, moment and each day, I grow stronger in my faith because of believing without seeing. 

My husband and I got into a bit of an argument last night.  It really wasn’t a big thing, yet we got into it.  It is frustrating because I can see how futile these ‘little’ arguments are and yet we still do it.  I just wish we could get along better, daily.  I want so much to have a marriage relationship modeled after the marriage relationship depicted in the scriptures, but both of us get in the way.  I’m tired and just don’t want to keep plugging away at it.  It is hard to see that it is worth it.  But, I know that it is because I live my life for God’s glory, not my own.  I know that divorce will not make matters any better.  And if that ever happened, I know that another marriage, though may be easier to handle, will not be worth it either.  Only God is worth anything and living for Him is all that matters.

After little arguments like last night, I look to the end of April with apprehension!  I don’t want to live with my husband and argue with him like this on a near daily basis.  I don’t want to ‘put up’ with him.  I can’t send him ‘home’ when I live with him.  He simply drives me nuts.  I really need God to help me.  God, please instill a new and right attitude towards this whole situation.  I know that I’m incapable of doing this myself and I need you now!!!!!

Anyway, today, I simply say, “As the deer pants for the water, so my soul longs after you…”  God, I love you, I miss you and I need you.  I don’t want to live life without you.  Please rescue me from myself.  Psalm 119 is such a great psalm.  Throughout its entirety David acknowledges that he is just a man and only God can change him  from within.  I think I’m going to start reading it every day as a reminder of who God is and who I am.  I can do nothing except through the power of the Holy Living God.

Search me, O God, and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts.  Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.  Psalm 139:23-24  I give my body to You because of all You have done for me.  Let my body be a living and holy sacrifice – the kind You will find acceptable.  This is truly the way to worship You.  I won’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but I will let You transform me into a new person by changing the way I think.  Then I will learn to know Your will for me, which is good and pleasing and perfect.  Romans 12:1-2  Amen.

May God provide the increase.


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